U know I finally came into my REALITY...... Its kinda scary because I feel like I've been searching for these answers to very personal questions about myself..... And I feel like I've finally figured some stuff out. My reality is that I'm filled with RESENTMENT. Not the most healthy thing in the world but it's true. This is very new for me, and I'm still in the process of figuring it out. But what I do know is that There is definitely some resentment there. Y? Its simple. Its all wrapped around LOVE. The many people that have "LOVED" me in my life have left me. I'm talking much more than Lovers..... I mean Friends, Family, & various loved ones. At some point or another I've been left feeling very alone.
Now don't get me wrong.... There are a few people in my life that not only love me, but they show it often. My problem comes in.... the fact that in my world u have to prove it to me. There are various hoops U have to jump thru for me to trust in the fact that U really LOVE ME. I'm not sure at what point this whole thing started for me.... And I know its not fair. I mean who really does that? But It is what it is... at least for now.
I kinda hate the fact that this is my REALITY but I'm not sure how to go about changing things. I'm not sure how to drop this guard I have. I don't know how to tear down these walls I've built. I mean honestly.... Every time someone tells me they love me I get nervous. Who knew a four letter word would cause so much anxiety? U should see it.... Like u really have to witness this one. I literally start to sweat at the mention of the word, then I nervously laugh myself outta the situation. "HAAA No U don't." This is my usual reply. Sad? I know. But again this is my REALITY. I wanna work on it. I wanna be able to hug my friends and tell them I love them, I wanna kiss my Mom on the cheek and tell her I love her. I want to wake up in love. When I'm asked "Do u love me yet?" before we hang up the phone I wanna be able to say "YES DAMNIT!!!!" I wanna see my forever with U, but I have to get this together first.
This is no way to live. But at least I'm honest and open enough to admit to my issues. What about U?
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Memoirs of a Socialite: Coming into Reality
Posted by Jason A Curry, I at 1:24 AM
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3 comments:
Jason, thanks for being so brutally honest. We all have realities that can sometimes keep us from reaching our true potential. I am confident that with time you will overcome these obstacles.
In our community we have been raised to beleive that seeking professional help is taboo. These misconception has halted the healing of many African Americans. I say all this to say that perhaps investing in you, and seeking out a clinician to resolve this could be of great benefit. If you would like a referral, I would be more than happy to assist.
Keep blogging and being true to yourself. And thanks again for sharing.
-pres
Well I loe you sir, no kissing though. :-) it is good that you figured this out now you can start the healing process. What do you need for those who do love you to help you?
All I need is LOVE. 110% honest and true LOVE. From the people closest to me. This was probably the most honest yet hardest thing to write. I mean in 2010 who really owns up to the flaws or short comings?
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