Memoirs of a Socialite: I'm just not that into U, But ur just not that into ME

Random thought:

U ever meet someone that ur really into, but they're not into u the same way? Or at least they don't show it the way u try to. I mean if I know someone is feelin me I try to be nice and feel things out.. Who knows maybe it could grow into something? But if I'm not feelin it.... then I'm not feelin it. And I'm upfront and honest about it. I'll tell u how I feel about u, or that I'm not feelin u.

But y is it never the same in return? I gotta wonder what went wrong, or did I do sumthin? I'm not losin no sleep over know of these clowns out here. But at the same time..... We all grown. If u not feelin me (even tho I don't know y u wouldn't be... lol) say so. Where is the harm in good ol' honesty? I'mma Bigg Boi (6'4" 260lbs) I can take it.

Anybody that really knows me.... knows u can't keep me down long. I pick myself up... Dust myself off.... AND KEEP IT THE FUCK MOVING.

If u didn't know, GOOGLE ME BITCH!!!!

Memoirs of a Socialite: I was born a SOCIALITE

Who is Tha Urban Socialite? I mean who is he? Where did he come from?

Well I'm the 3rd of four children..... one of the middle ones. Born to a young insurance worker (now turned Bible Beater) and young truck driving, police academy failing, postal working, whore (now turned retired whore). I'm from a very small town in Illinois. So small they don't even have their own zip code. My Oldest sister is a Stay at home Mom, my baby brother is a Ball player, and the other middle baby..... She's my Twin. Side note: "HEY TWIN!!!" Anyway, I was brought up in a very religious household.... well the kinda religious household that still drank and smoked cigarettes. LOL

U know its funny.... even with 4 kids and a handful of various pets.... Dogs, turtles, fish, Ginnie pig... I never really had to search for my identity. I've always had some idea of who I am. I mean sure I've refined my image over time but I always knew who I was. Through all the fads and all the trends I never lost JASON.... THA URBAN SOCIALITE. People have often asked me how did u become a "socialite?" Its quite simple. DESTINY!!! I was born into this. I mean a kid from a small town with a shared zip code is destine to be something.....

Its funny that the same people asking me about that are the same ones that keep my name in the streets..... "U know I seen Jason at the park with so-n-so." "U know him and whats-a-name broke up." "U know he related to Ol' Boy." "He think he all that in them LV glasses.... oh DAMN he wearin LV shoes too." I can't do anything but laugh at this. Who knew my business would be so popular. I mean THANK U. Thanx for keepin the buzz goin. Thanx for the motivation and the hate. I wouldn't be who I am without u my FANS.

U KNOW WHO U ARE...........

Memoirs of a Socialite: Inner Freak

U know..... I know I swore off sex (at least for now). But that doesn't mean I do think about it. OH GOD do I think about it. I mean I'm laying here in the bed taking in this wonderful Sunday breeze thinking about Making love..... How it would feel..... This time. Will it be any different? I wanna.....

I wanna make love under the night sky. I wanna feel the moon under our sheets..... We're floating so high I swear that we are soaring. I wanna SOAR with U. We can GLOW together....

There are so many things we can do......

I wanna feel the stars in the room...... As I feel ur UNIVERSE around me.....

Memoirs of a Socialite: Coming into Reality

U know I finally came into my REALITY...... Its kinda scary because I feel like I've been searching for these answers to very personal questions about myself..... And I feel like I've finally figured some stuff out. My reality is that I'm filled with RESENTMENT. Not the most healthy thing in the world but it's true. This is very new for me, and I'm still in the process of figuring it out. But what I do know is that There is definitely some resentment there. Y? Its simple. Its all wrapped around LOVE. The many people that have "LOVED" me in my life have left me. I'm talking much more than Lovers..... I mean Friends, Family, & various loved ones. At some point or another I've been left feeling very alone.

Now don't get me wrong.... There are a few people in my life that not only love me, but they show it often. My problem comes in.... the fact that in my world u have to prove it to me. There are various hoops U have to jump thru for me to trust in the fact that U really LOVE ME. I'm not sure at what point this whole thing started for me.... And I know its not fair. I mean who really does that? But It is what it is... at least for now.

I kinda hate the fact that this is my REALITY but I'm not sure how to go about changing things. I'm not sure how to drop this guard I have. I don't know how to tear down these walls I've built. I mean honestly.... Every time someone tells me they love me I get nervous. Who knew a four letter word would cause so much anxiety? U should see it.... Like u really have to witness this one. I literally start to sweat at the mention of the word, then I nervously laugh myself outta the situation. "HAAA No U don't." This is my usual reply. Sad? I know. But again this is my REALITY. I wanna work on it. I wanna be able to hug my friends and tell them I love them, I wanna kiss my Mom on the cheek and tell her I love her. I want to wake up in love. When I'm asked "Do u love me yet?" before we hang up the phone I wanna be able to say "YES DAMNIT!!!!" I wanna see my forever with U, but I have to get this together first.

This is no way to live. But at least I'm honest and open enough to admit to my issues. What about U?

Memoirs of a Socialite: One of them DAYZ

Its not the being by myself that's the problem...... Its the being alone. Its spring time and love is definitely in the air..... At least for some. For others...... well we get the blockbuster nights or the 5th wheel invites to tag along. If we're really lucky we get to listen to our friends on the other end of the phone as they go on and on about their love..... As we secretly picture it with our head on their body. I hope I'm not alone in this..... If I am then that's just sad.... LOL.

U know its funny because I love my life. I just hate the loneliness factor. I love what I do. I love that I'm about to graduate. I love the steady climb my life has taken. I just wish my personal life would catch up. I would love to have someone to share in this with me. Not just anyone, but the ONE. Everything really seems to be falling into place but this one minor thing. I gotta get it together......

CocoRosie - By Your Side

Mini Blog: Happy Birthday Boo!!!

Pay attention people. This is what 44 should look like....

Memoirs of a Socialite: In HEAT again!!!

I feel so alive. It won't last all night....But that's alright.

Fleeting joy drenched in sin, here it cums AGAIN!!!

Sneaking fruit from the forbidden tree, that sweet taste of Ecstasy.

Next time the same hotel?

That familiar smell, we both know so well.

I know we said that this would end.....But here we go AGAIN.

This cycle never ends.

Each time I flashback to when u put that spell on me.

Damn U feel good as hell to Me.

Each time I feel so drawn to U.

How could this be wrong to do?

I know I said it would end.... But here we go AGAIN

Memoirs of a Socialite: my HEART is tucked away in my SOCK

What does it really mean to wear ur HEART on ur sleeve? Is that a fashion statement... or is it something more? Do I wear my heart on my sleeve? What DOES THAT MEAN? Hold on.... I'mma google it. . . . . . . .

OH!!! I get it . So it just showing ur emotions. I get it. But I don't think that's me. Matter fact I'd say I was quite the opposite. I think I wear my heart in my pocket, or folded up and tucked in my sock like the last few dollars we would hang on to as kids. LOL.

Like I feel a lot, u would just never know it. There are some many thoughts and feelings that go thru my head on a regular. U have no idea. I just don't know how to show them. I guess it comes from all the shit I been thru. To be honest I'm surprised I still feel anything at all.

I've been thru a lot in this past 27 years. My life is FULL. From single parenting to abusive relationships.... I've seen more than most people ever will. Maybe that y my HEART is tucked away in my SOCK. It seems like every time I bring it out it gets a lil more damaged. Its like having a glass action figure as a kid..... Its beautiful and rare. U wanna show it off to the world, but every time u do.... It gets more and more chipped and a little more cracked. I wanna show off what I have, but I'm running out band-aids.

Memoirs of a Socialite: Mistaken Identity

So I woke up this morning a lil pissed off. Not mad because I woke up...... just a lil mad I couldn't sleep in. But anyway, I go thru my daily routine: lay there knowin I have to pee.... lol, finally goin to the bathroom, back in the bed, then check my email. This is my normal morning activity. This morning was kinda different. My inbox was on FIRE: FB friend request, group project email, ........ and a letter. So of course I go str8 to the letter. I mean I don't recognize the email address the subject is REAL TALK so of course I feel like I need to see whats this letter is about. When I say this letter rocked my world........

PhattyGirl68: A my nikka real talk u fuckin one of my friends on a regular but what u don't know is they are HIV POZ and also tested POZ for a few STD's. Now I'm not about to bust my friend out and say they name but they told me yall been fuckin RAW without condoms...... Do U man. Just be careful homie. Folks don't care who they infect these days. In case u think I'm lying I stay in Chicago just outta town in Texas for a vacation right now. Yall pretty nikkas all the same. Yall always go for the slim sexy type with the PHAT ASS. They are the ones givin away the package like a muthafucka. YO just be careful. I know u fucked my friend at least 5 times and they never once told u about they status. They are 20 y/o with big pretty lips. Thats the only hint I'mma give u FAM.......

Now ok I'm not gonna lie when I saw this the first thing I thought about was my past sexual history. I mean who wouldn't. But then I had to stop and check myself. #1 I don't fuck with 20 y/o NOTHING!!!!! Not at all my type. I like old money. #2 over 5 times would be too much like a commitment..... NOT ME!!!! #3 I'm celibate. Have been for a while now. #4 I really don't have sex outside of relationships. I don't have the time or energy.... lol.

The point I'm trying to make is if ur gonna come at my head.... If u think I'm a HOE.... If u worried about what I'm doing.... STOP!!!! Cuz in the end ur the one that ends up lookin a fool not me. I know me. I know what I do, and who I do it with. I'm not worried. I protect myself. So cut this petty ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BULLSHIT OUT!!!!

Part nine coming SOON!!!

All I - Jill Scott

Memoirs of a Socialite: Crush on U

Ok.... I like u. But I don't like u like u. Ur cool and we have fun when we hang out. But I don't think we like each other the same way. This is the story of my life. I know I'm not the only one thats been thru that.... But what do u do with that? When U like someone enough but clearly not as much as they like u. I mean GEEEEEEEZ!!!!!

Has anyone seen an episode of "What Chilli Wants?" Evonne is the one that turned me on to VH-1 and there countless hours of reality tv programming. So I watched this show and I think this girl is NUTZ. She has this list of things she wants and needs. This list gets pretty direct tho. "No eating Pork!" 4 REAL???? I mean who on EARTH is that picky?

ME!!!!!

Its sounds crazy but that's how I feel. Not to sound like I'm bragging but when people show interest in me..... I tear them apart. What I like about them. What I don't like. From Teeth to Hair to Shoes. Am I too picky? Thinking back to the ex's... HELL maybe I wasn't picky enough. But is it wrong to want to find someone: cute, funny, sexy, employed, with a car, that loves the Lord, likes going on dates, not cheap, good in bed..... GREAT IN BED, not too dependent, not too independent... lol, loves love, not too many kids, gets along with my friends, loves to travel, not gonna pressure me into a 6pack, loves them some JASON, can cook, likes cartoons, can handle my mood swings, down to earth, likes fun, drinks (but not too much)...... That's not asking a lot is it? I mean I'm just saying. This person right here is the person I have a crush on.

God I sound just like Chilli. This is gonna be a long 2010.

Shout OUT: Mini Blog

I just had to take a lil time out to thank everyone that takes time out of their day to read my lil blog. My lil random rants...... Thank U guys.

I Luv U all.....

Memoirs of a Socialite: Star* 69 (Erotica)

..... TONIGHT I dreamt of U. In my dream we "CONNECTED." Over the phone. U were over there, and I was over here. The things I said to u.... Still play back in my mind.

If I take U from BEHIND
Push MYSELF into ur mind
When u least expect IT
Will u try and REJECT it
If I'm in CHARGE and I treat u like a CHILD
Will u let urself go WILD
Let my MOUTH go where it WANTS TOO........

Once u put ur hand into the FLAME
U can NEVER be the same
There's a certain SATISFACTION
In a little bit of PAIN
I can tell that ur the SAME
If ur AFRAID, well rise again
I only hurt the ones I LOVE

I don't think U know what PAIN is
I don't think U've gone THAT way
I could bring u so much PLEASURE
I'll CUM to u when u say
I know u want ME
I'm not gonna HURT u
I'm NOT gonna hurt u
just CLOSE ur eyes......

...... Then I woke up.