Fears....

What are some of ur fears? I mean what are u really afraid of? We all have them right? I know I do.....

My fears:

Dying

Dying alone

Midgets.... (lol I know)

HIV

Failure

losing a limb

Waking up Ugly (lol again, I know)

That dark place

I mean these are just a few. But these are real. This is what I'm afraid of. But at least I'm willing to admit it.

Product of ur own EXCUSES!!!

U every run into someone that can raddle off 1001 excuses as to y they haven't made anything of themselves? I call those people "Products of their own Excuses." I mean really? How else do U explain being at the same point in ur life now as u were when u graduated High School? Its crazy right? I mean think about it. Most of us have been outta High School for at least 10 years. What were u doin 10 years ago? (Cashier at Jewel....lol) And what are u doin now? If they're both the same its time for u to do some heavy evaluating of ur life.

Its 2009, and we really need to get it together. Clearly no one is gonna do it for us. Nor should they. GET OFF UR ASS!!!! I know I have.

It's getting late. Why you gotta be here?

So ok. I'm sittin here listenin to Floetry "Getting Late". And for the first time in a long time I'm actually listenin to the words... And its really takin me thru.

Baby we need to Umm... talk about where we're takin this thing. How far we're gonna let this go. We've been here before..... It's getting late.

"It's getting late... Why u gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting me. I'm afraid (Don't be). I'm Afraid (Don't Be). I'm so scared that you'll hurt me, TWICE!!!"

Its that right there. That couple lines of the song that draws me in every time. I mean think about it. U come around and I start feelin so Sexxxy, so comfortable, so loved..... SO SCARED! I know u say I shouldn't but after all the things I've seen...

Felt....

FEEL!!!

What can I do but act and react the way I do. I mean I've been down this road before. I know what happened next. I know what I want to happen too. But I'm SO scared. I know I may sound a little crazy or random in my speech but that just because when I think about U my head fills up with so many ideas and just scattered thoughts that I just can't help but to ramble.

"It's getting late. Why u gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting ME?"

Its crazy to feel so sure and unsure at the exact same time. Is that my fault or urs? I don't know. I know I'm afraid. I know I shouldn't be. But I am. Ur great. And ur great for me. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to go down the same painful roads that relationships bring.

"Listen... I've already been thinking about u in my mind. Far too often for u to be here at this time. U see, 1 hand is on 9 and the others on my THIGH!"

That touch

The kind of touch that can brush every care u've ever had away. At the same time ignite 101 fears. Fears and Nerves u wouldn't believe. Imagine wanting to express a feeling so bad that u get consumed by it.... to the point where u want to curl up in a ball and cry. That's how bad I want to make u happy. I want to please u in ur mind.. I want to stimulate ur soul. I want u. But I'm afraid.

See.... there goes the randomness again. I can't help it. I'm so all over when it comes to u.

"I see the memories replayed, same space, same place, same bodies Baby. I know theres a method to ur manliness, But I'm AFRAID."

I guess thats just it though. Sometimes I try to fit u into the mold, instead of just letting things.... BE. I didn't think I still dwelled in the past but maybe I do. OH the hell well. I need to get past it, right? Get over it, and start something new. I just need a lil kick in the ass to get me started down this very personal journey of discovery and healing. Care to join me Baby?

I wanted to DIE.

So this will probably be one of the Heaviest and most Honest post I'll ever write, but I feel like I need to talk about it.

This dates back to the summer of 1996.

I would soon be entering High School as a freshman.

So young.

So confused about life as a whole.

So not knowing which way was up or down.

...... but anyway

So I wanted to Die one night. I sat in my bathroom crying and crying and really wanting to die. But who wants to die right? Not me, well at least not now. But I can remember the thoughts racing thru my head. I can remember the voices whispering "do it" in my ear. I remember stealing my mothers pills that morning.

The crazy thing about feeling this way is the fact that these feelings were brought on by some many other people. When I was 13 goin on 14, I was fat (no sugar coating here). I was about 5'6", 350lbs. I was fat. In addition to that, I was gay. Yep.... me. I'm GAY!!!! lol. growing up in my house this was a NO NO. Think about it.... I could be a complete fat ass but as long as I liked girls. Sounds healthy? But anyway, so I grew up hating myself. I hated who I was, and what I looked like. I hated myself for being gay because It wasn't how the family taught us. And I hated being fat. I mean society tells u what ur supposed to look like when ur a teenager. Clearly I wasn't it.

So that night I took a bottle of pills and decided to end it all. I was over it. I didn't wanna keep goin. I wanted to just be at peace. But things didn't work out that way either. THANK GOD!!!

Sometimes I say that God didn't see fit for me to leave yet. There are parts of that evening that are rather choppy. I remember laying in the bathroom floor, passing out and coming back. I remember throwing up violently all night. I can also remember my sister and mom sleeping quieter than church mice. All this going on and no one woke up.

Thinking back on things I see how its possible to get to that point.

OK..... So Now What?

ok. So now what am I supposed to talk about? I mean I talked about my relationship enough.... I'm sure people are tired of hearin it..... (HATERS). lol. I don't know. I need some topic suggestions. In the mean time I think my friends deserve a blog dedicated to them. Coming soon I guess.

This is what u get when ur bored at work.....

OK..... SO NOW WHAT?

OK..... SO NOW WHAT?

Whats next? Is it just me? Am I the only one that wants to know what the next step is? What the outcome of that is before it even happens? I mean I wanna know. Life is like the season finale of your favorite show. U know where they give U that lil cliff hanger, that lil sneak peak right at the end. Just enough to keep u coming back. GOD!!!!! I just wanna know. U think if I asked God real nicely he would tell me? At give me a lil hint? lol. No such luck I guess. What about a lil head nod God? So I can know without being told.... lol.

I HATE SURPRISES!

Remember that Baby?

Baby this ones for u. and only u. Cuz ur the only one that I know will get it:

Remember the first few silent phone conversation? lol

Remember standin outside the Theater thinkin I wasn't comin? While I sat in the trunk of my car wonderin if I should leave?

The white short mixed with a hot summer day, and a weird play?

The very first Good Night Kiss? (on the cheek....lol)
awwwwwwww........

or the kiss in front of SPIN.... U know the first one! (When the Lesbians got all hot and bothered)

Pinnapple Express?

What about The day after pinnapple Express?

Remember The "Its Official" Text Message (classy)

What about the day u threw ur shirt away?

Remember clothes folded in the corner?

What about the first drunken attempt at SEX?

Remember 01-01-2009?
I do. And I probably always will.

What about Berry Chill & Chilli's?

Remember the inside joke with the GURLZ?

Remember 02-14-2009?

What about Pregnant Beth?

or Helpin them move..... lol
fun times that day.

I could probably go on and on. Cuz we have so many memories. Baby I wanna make more. I want to build up what we have as high as it will go. And expand it as wide as possible. I refuse to let this go. I know things happen, I get on ur nerves and u on mine, but I love u too much to let go.

I never swear to God... but for this one I will. Babe I swear to God I love u with all my heart and I'm in it for the long haul.

I'm just over it......

U know when I started this blog I thought I was gonna have a little fun, maybe get some things off my chest. I never expected this. I never thought I would deal in all this emotion, all these issues. I just wasn't expectin it. But for the first time I get it. I get y the mood swings come. I get y I act the way I do. I deal with everything on my own. My mother is caught up in her own finacial woes. My sister is knee deep in diapers and a new family. My boyfriend is caughht between what his future holds and wanting to hold on to yester-years. My best friend is just trying to keep it together. So I deal with it on my own. I take on everyone elses problems and put mine on the back burner. I can kinda go to certain people on my list. Not everyone. And of those, not all the time. So what do I do?

My Hero...... 10-02-2009

A special blog for a special person in my life. My Hero. Today is a special day for u. I love u so much. U have been THE PERSON in my life I can count on, depend on, lean on. And I love u for it. Thank u. Enjoy ur day. Happy Birthday Beth!!!!

lol... It is what it Is!!

Caring is Sharing?

Ok.... so when we are young we are taught to share and share alike. But what do u do when u get tried of sharing. What about when u feel more like ur fighting for attention? I'm sure its not just me that has experienced this. Here's the situation:

I've been in a relationship for the last little over a year now. And it seems lately that I am fight for attention. Like time is divided by work, tv, friends, other friends, then me. Its like ok..... At what point does my turn start? At what point do I get to go first. I mean how many more problems do u feel u have to solve for ur before u get to ME!?!?

I guess it pisses me of so bad because I've been down this road before in past relationships, and I know how this story ends. U get so fed up that u make moves for urself and ur own happiness.

But I don't want that this time. I feel like I finally have something worth fighting for, and I want to make it work. But I'm just soooooo fed up. I'm just tired. I don't know what I supposed to do. What do I do?

......... Blah!!!

So ok. I'm supposed to be able to vent right? Ok. Well..... I feel like SHIT!. I feel so worthless and helpless right now. Whats goin on inside this big ol' head of mine? Hell its a mystery to me. I wish I could get it together. I need to get my life back, but where do I even start? I don't know. Where is the Vodka? Vodka makes me think pretty. lol. Maybe I just need a hug? I don't know whats goin on. LORD HELP ME!!!!

My own Xtraordinary Machine!!! 09-19-2009

So yeah, I was too much of a punk to give this to u in person. I'm a lil bit corny but u gotta love it..... lol. So here it is:


It must be love... Because I can't stop thinkin about u. You're always on my mind, and I want to keep u there. So I can look at u, watch u do things u enjoy, see u smile.

It must be love... Because no matter how much time we spend together, it never seemd to be enough. Being with u feels so good that I find myself missing u before we even say goodbye.

It must be love... Because I know that I could never feel as close to anyone else as I do u.

Sweet Dreams or a Beautiful Nightmare?

As much as I hate to say it (Because I'm not much a a Beyonce fan anymore)..... She hit this nail right on the head. "You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you. Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. Somebody pinch me, your loves to good to be true." Wow!!!!

Welcome Back Jason!!!

So I been gone for a lil bit reflecting a lot on life, love, and all that goos stuff. Is it just me? Doesn't everyone take a little time and kinda withdraw a little from the world and just sort things out? Plan out life? Or just see have far away from that plan u are, and how much time and work it would take to get back on track.

I think thats the point that I'm at. I feel like life has gotten so far away from the plan I kinda set that I have to figure out if I'm supposed to get back to that plan or is life taking control and putting me where it wants me to be? I'm not really sure.......

Are u there Vodka? It's me Jason.

U ever have one of "Those" days When u just want some one to make it all better? I mean just wrap their arms around u til it all goes away days. That's my day. I mean it started out great. Woke up early this morning. Walked the dog. Got ready for work. U know the regular routine. When I got in the car and backed out the drive way I felt a force puing back to the house. I should've went with that.

Other than wanting to take my finger and press the arm on the clock to help the time pass on it seemed like a regular day. I mean I still had the normal things kinda weighing on me. But I was cool. I'm strong. I can handle it. Right? Maybe not.

I mean lets just be real..... This 6'4" 250+ frame of mine might look "Ford Tough"..... But shit. I'm human. I'mma a regular ol' person. I bleed when I'm cut and cry when I'm sad. I mean how much pressure and stress am I supposed to take before I cry out "uncle", before I throw in the towel. It just seems that I work hard.... press forward..... and just get knockwd down every time.

Who would have thought that a little flat tire would be that straw to break the camels back. I mean when I say it out loud it doesn't seem that bad. Its just a flat. Right? But when u add that to all the rest of the regular expenses, and all the everyday pressures, I just feel like I can't take anymore. Lord please...... a little help here. I mean really. Can I get a break? I just want to breathe for a minute. I'll man up in a minute and come back to it.... but can I get 5 minutes?

Oh well. Are u there Vodka? It's me Jason. Its been a realy long day and I could use a hug.... lol

What do u do with disappointments?

So ok... Nobodies perfect. But I'm just sayin. I mean really is it too much to ask of someone to just follow thru? I mean set out to do something then just do it. Its not that hard. And y is it that the one U love the most is the same one that disappoints u first? But then what? Cuz u love them..... Right? I guess u get over it. I mean if u really love them u take them as they are. U don't try to change them at all. U never know... They may even surprise u. (Thanx again for Sunday... lol)

Lets talk about love....

So ok. Its safe to say I'm in love.  And its also safe to say that I'm loved in return.   But how weird is that? I'm the same person just last year that swore off love and relationships.  I mean this is so scary shit goin on in my world.  I guess this shows that you never tell what the future holds  huh?  lol

The Hot Shoe Game

A little FYI for all the shoe fans...... Check out www.greedygenius.com

Another day another dollar....

So... ok. It's now 8:30 am, and I'm up. Trying to get this day started. All I really want tho is to crawl back in this bed. I mean really. I'm trying not to sound ungrateful. I just started this new job and all..... but I just wanna go back to bed and sleep for a couple more hours. I know I'm not the only one. I look forward to the day that I don't have to punch someone else clock. I wanna wake up whenever.... lol. As Wendy Williams (I Love Her) says, I want to "Luxuriate" To fully immerse myself in all things fierce and fabulous. Am I dreamin too much too soo? PS: Thanx Wendy.

08-20-2009..... 27yo

There's something to be said for not saying anything. I've talked about racism, spousal abuse, empowering women, children. I've talked about a lot of things. What do I talk about this time? I've covered a lot in my 27 years. And I've uncovered a lot in my 27 years..... lol. But I wanna keep it light. I don't wanna be serious. I wanna have fun. I know. I don't know. That's what I do know.