I wanted to DIE.

So this will probably be one of the Heaviest and most Honest post I'll ever write, but I feel like I need to talk about it.

This dates back to the summer of 1996.

I would soon be entering High School as a freshman.

So young.

So confused about life as a whole.

So not knowing which way was up or down.

...... but anyway

So I wanted to Die one night. I sat in my bathroom crying and crying and really wanting to die. But who wants to die right? Not me, well at least not now. But I can remember the thoughts racing thru my head. I can remember the voices whispering "do it" in my ear. I remember stealing my mothers pills that morning.

The crazy thing about feeling this way is the fact that these feelings were brought on by some many other people. When I was 13 goin on 14, I was fat (no sugar coating here). I was about 5'6", 350lbs. I was fat. In addition to that, I was gay. Yep.... me. I'm GAY!!!! lol. growing up in my house this was a NO NO. Think about it.... I could be a complete fat ass but as long as I liked girls. Sounds healthy? But anyway, so I grew up hating myself. I hated who I was, and what I looked like. I hated myself for being gay because It wasn't how the family taught us. And I hated being fat. I mean society tells u what ur supposed to look like when ur a teenager. Clearly I wasn't it.

So that night I took a bottle of pills and decided to end it all. I was over it. I didn't wanna keep goin. I wanted to just be at peace. But things didn't work out that way either. THANK GOD!!!

Sometimes I say that God didn't see fit for me to leave yet. There are parts of that evening that are rather choppy. I remember laying in the bathroom floor, passing out and coming back. I remember throwing up violently all night. I can also remember my sister and mom sleeping quieter than church mice. All this going on and no one woke up.

Thinking back on things I see how its possible to get to that point.