Product of ur own EXCUSES!!!

U every run into someone that can raddle off 1001 excuses as to y they haven't made anything of themselves? I call those people "Products of their own Excuses." I mean really? How else do U explain being at the same point in ur life now as u were when u graduated High School? Its crazy right? I mean think about it. Most of us have been outta High School for at least 10 years. What were u doin 10 years ago? (Cashier at Jewel....lol) And what are u doin now? If they're both the same its time for u to do some heavy evaluating of ur life.

Its 2009, and we really need to get it together. Clearly no one is gonna do it for us. Nor should they. GET OFF UR ASS!!!! I know I have.

It's getting late. Why you gotta be here?

So ok. I'm sittin here listenin to Floetry "Getting Late". And for the first time in a long time I'm actually listenin to the words... And its really takin me thru.

Baby we need to Umm... talk about where we're takin this thing. How far we're gonna let this go. We've been here before..... It's getting late.

"It's getting late... Why u gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting me. I'm afraid (Don't be). I'm Afraid (Don't Be). I'm so scared that you'll hurt me, TWICE!!!"

Its that right there. That couple lines of the song that draws me in every time. I mean think about it. U come around and I start feelin so Sexxxy, so comfortable, so loved..... SO SCARED! I know u say I shouldn't but after all the things I've seen...

Felt....

FEEL!!!

What can I do but act and react the way I do. I mean I've been down this road before. I know what happened next. I know what I want to happen too. But I'm SO scared. I know I may sound a little crazy or random in my speech but that just because when I think about U my head fills up with so many ideas and just scattered thoughts that I just can't help but to ramble.

"It's getting late. Why u gotta be here? Beside me. Watching, needing, wanting ME?"

Its crazy to feel so sure and unsure at the exact same time. Is that my fault or urs? I don't know. I know I'm afraid. I know I shouldn't be. But I am. Ur great. And ur great for me. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to go down the same painful roads that relationships bring.

"Listen... I've already been thinking about u in my mind. Far too often for u to be here at this time. U see, 1 hand is on 9 and the others on my THIGH!"

That touch

The kind of touch that can brush every care u've ever had away. At the same time ignite 101 fears. Fears and Nerves u wouldn't believe. Imagine wanting to express a feeling so bad that u get consumed by it.... to the point where u want to curl up in a ball and cry. That's how bad I want to make u happy. I want to please u in ur mind.. I want to stimulate ur soul. I want u. But I'm afraid.

See.... there goes the randomness again. I can't help it. I'm so all over when it comes to u.

"I see the memories replayed, same space, same place, same bodies Baby. I know theres a method to ur manliness, But I'm AFRAID."

I guess thats just it though. Sometimes I try to fit u into the mold, instead of just letting things.... BE. I didn't think I still dwelled in the past but maybe I do. OH the hell well. I need to get past it, right? Get over it, and start something new. I just need a lil kick in the ass to get me started down this very personal journey of discovery and healing. Care to join me Baby?

I wanted to DIE.

So this will probably be one of the Heaviest and most Honest post I'll ever write, but I feel like I need to talk about it.

This dates back to the summer of 1996.

I would soon be entering High School as a freshman.

So young.

So confused about life as a whole.

So not knowing which way was up or down.

...... but anyway

So I wanted to Die one night. I sat in my bathroom crying and crying and really wanting to die. But who wants to die right? Not me, well at least not now. But I can remember the thoughts racing thru my head. I can remember the voices whispering "do it" in my ear. I remember stealing my mothers pills that morning.

The crazy thing about feeling this way is the fact that these feelings were brought on by some many other people. When I was 13 goin on 14, I was fat (no sugar coating here). I was about 5'6", 350lbs. I was fat. In addition to that, I was gay. Yep.... me. I'm GAY!!!! lol. growing up in my house this was a NO NO. Think about it.... I could be a complete fat ass but as long as I liked girls. Sounds healthy? But anyway, so I grew up hating myself. I hated who I was, and what I looked like. I hated myself for being gay because It wasn't how the family taught us. And I hated being fat. I mean society tells u what ur supposed to look like when ur a teenager. Clearly I wasn't it.

So that night I took a bottle of pills and decided to end it all. I was over it. I didn't wanna keep goin. I wanted to just be at peace. But things didn't work out that way either. THANK GOD!!!

Sometimes I say that God didn't see fit for me to leave yet. There are parts of that evening that are rather choppy. I remember laying in the bathroom floor, passing out and coming back. I remember throwing up violently all night. I can also remember my sister and mom sleeping quieter than church mice. All this going on and no one woke up.

Thinking back on things I see how its possible to get to that point.

OK..... So Now What?

ok. So now what am I supposed to talk about? I mean I talked about my relationship enough.... I'm sure people are tired of hearin it..... (HATERS). lol. I don't know. I need some topic suggestions. In the mean time I think my friends deserve a blog dedicated to them. Coming soon I guess.

This is what u get when ur bored at work.....

OK..... SO NOW WHAT?

OK..... SO NOW WHAT?

Whats next? Is it just me? Am I the only one that wants to know what the next step is? What the outcome of that is before it even happens? I mean I wanna know. Life is like the season finale of your favorite show. U know where they give U that lil cliff hanger, that lil sneak peak right at the end. Just enough to keep u coming back. GOD!!!!! I just wanna know. U think if I asked God real nicely he would tell me? At give me a lil hint? lol. No such luck I guess. What about a lil head nod God? So I can know without being told.... lol.

I HATE SURPRISES!

Remember that Baby?

Baby this ones for u. and only u. Cuz ur the only one that I know will get it:

Remember the first few silent phone conversation? lol

Remember standin outside the Theater thinkin I wasn't comin? While I sat in the trunk of my car wonderin if I should leave?

The white short mixed with a hot summer day, and a weird play?

The very first Good Night Kiss? (on the cheek....lol)
awwwwwwww........

or the kiss in front of SPIN.... U know the first one! (When the Lesbians got all hot and bothered)

Pinnapple Express?

What about The day after pinnapple Express?

Remember The "Its Official" Text Message (classy)

What about the day u threw ur shirt away?

Remember clothes folded in the corner?

What about the first drunken attempt at SEX?

Remember 01-01-2009?
I do. And I probably always will.

What about Berry Chill & Chilli's?

Remember the inside joke with the GURLZ?

Remember 02-14-2009?

What about Pregnant Beth?

or Helpin them move..... lol
fun times that day.

I could probably go on and on. Cuz we have so many memories. Baby I wanna make more. I want to build up what we have as high as it will go. And expand it as wide as possible. I refuse to let this go. I know things happen, I get on ur nerves and u on mine, but I love u too much to let go.

I never swear to God... but for this one I will. Babe I swear to God I love u with all my heart and I'm in it for the long haul.